13 Things to Know About the Alpha Generation
Members of the Alpha Generation, on the heels of Generation Z, are only 0 to 2 years old today. They account for absolutely no purchasing power. But they will soon take over the world — because that’s what subsequent generations supposedly do.
Researcher David Berkowitz has spent thousands of hours observing one girl member of the Alpha Generation, and has done meticulous ethnographic research on her peers in playdates, at family gatherings, and at the cutest baby ballet classes ever.
Here are his critical insights about the Alpha Generation — dubbed “alphers” to ensure that they forever resent their forebears.
1. They hate the sharing economy. Anyone you meet in the Alpha Generation is likely to be decidedly anti-sharing. The more verbal among this generation may not even be able to say the word “share,” but they are likely to shout utterances such as, “Mine!” and “All mine!”
2. They are very mobile, except when they are stationary. Those in the trailing cohort of Generation Alpha, particularly those 0 to 6 months, tend not to be mobile at all. They just sit there.
3. They don’t care about privacy. This is exemplified by their strange habit of always trying to take off their clothes, or at least a single sock, alphers are extreme exhibitionists.
4. They don’t play by the rules. They will come to your office, take off their diapers, and pee all over your stand-up desk until you accept that they’re the ones in control now.
5. They break free of any boundaries. Just try to restrain them in any way. Whether you’re putting them in a diaper, swaddling blanket, snowsuit, high chair or car seat, alphers will find a way to get out of it.
6. Full-fat, organic dairy is in. They want their dairy real, and fresh — with many in the younger Alpha Generation cohort preferring to drink mother’s milk right from the source. This trend has been documented in literally every country.
7. Carbs are in, too. Crackers are huge. Cookies go over well. Pasta, rice, cereal and vitamin-fortified puffs are all staples. Many are practically addicted to macaroni and cheese.
8. They eschew organized religion. When participating in any kind of formalized worship, alphers are inclined to scream or shout so loud that they must be taken outside, or conversely they will sleep through an entire service.
9. They are reinventing wear-ables. The Alpha Generation prefers low-tech wear-ables. Everyone in this cohort from about six months and up tends to wear milk, Cheerios, peas, crackers or noodles on every single part of their body any time they attempt to eat. Additionally, they love wearing dirt, stickers, blankets, crayon marks, their parents’ shoes and jewelry, and other accessories.
10. What’s better than touchscreens? Tastescreens.. Alphers — avant garde pioneers that they are — try to operate devices via their sense of taste. They will lick or attempt to ingest any and all technologies, including analog devices such as books.
11. They trade binge-watching for cringe-watching. Older alphers express their media preferences by wanting to experience the last thing they watched over and over and over. This applies to music, too. Alphers inflict this punishment on their caregivers every single day.
12. They live in the moment. They have little sense of the past and no concept of the future. They want everything now. Goodbye, YOLO (“you only live once”) and FOMO (“fear of missing out”); hello, NOTOMO (“no tomorrow”) and GITMOE (“give it to me — or else”).
13. They’re constantly changing. It’s hard enough targeting this cohort, given the differences between leading and trailing alphers. What’s worse is that they’re changing all the time.
